Cricket's Lullaby

It's bedtime. So I'm deep in thought.
Yet, exhaustion overtakes my epiphanies and just as I begin to sculpt the words to have something tangible to share with the world of a little of my pathos... It fades away into the background like the sparkles of fireworks turning to glowing embers then gray impressions tracing the last of their trajectory in my imagination.
*sigh *
*shoulders slump *
I want to be known.
His Spirit testifies with mine that I am not alone. I move and groan inside and echo His heart beat. God longs to be known!
The crickets vibrate their medicinal beat, lulling me to rest. Created as a gift for a natural sleep aid. Acoustically tucking me in with a steady blanket of sound.
The soft mountain breeze snuggling the aspen leaves and they sigh sweetly in response. I surrender to the best nest that catches my thoughts and lets them incubate for another night. They will hatch when it is time.
*fingers relax *
*hand rests gently on pillow *
*soft breathing and crickets lullaby weave together, while the wind whispers in the trees... I love you... You are not alone...*

Night night

The Price of Personal Worth (Part 3)

...or most of a year later...
(This has been saved as a draft since 03/27/12 :p)
So life has been a vortex since my last post...but I do want to at least finish the story:

News spread quickly in the little rural town. Folks whispered and shook their heads..."how could his father let this happen? If he know what was good for the boy he would've shown him a thing or two! Maybe even sent him to the Reserves...that would teach him respect!"
When the rancher first came into town, the people expressed a mix of indignation and sympathic advice. But when they could find no comisserating outrage in the Father's eyes...only pity and hope for reconcilation with his wayward son, they soon started to whisper again. "No wonder the boy behaved as he did, his Father was too soft...didn't do right by him, over-indulging him! I'll bet the other son is spoiled too...you just wait and see."
The attitude of the town didn't go unnoticed by the eldest son. He was confused, angry, and embarrassed by his father's actions. Routine errands into town became ackward moments of silence and "knowing looks" from the town folk as the father made his rounds of inquiry after his lost son. Figuring it was up to him to salvage what reputation was left to the family name, the eldest determined to prove the rumors false. And with the college fund gone and times tight financially, the oldest son stayed home that year. Redoubling his efforts, he threw himself into ranching dawn to dusk...and then some.
Years passed with no change to either father nor son's routine...the father still made fruitless inquiry and son still poured himself into the ranch. Matter of fact, the eldest had managed to gain people's respect with his work. Where as they had little to say of the father, they came to honor the hard-working son as one who made something good of himself. This helped to ease some of the bitterness the son felt. He was doing well, and started to regain some modest monetary investments. His personal worth assessment was looking pretty good, all things considered.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Little brother came crawling back, and the eldest had a good idea from where too. As teens, their late-night poker games and taboo magazines had been more then just a pastime...but an addiction for both of them. Both dreamed of the time when they could get away from their conservative father's household and do as they pleased. But as time had passed, the eldest boy had become wise to the social expectations and knew the rewards of complying. Done right, little need be truely sacrificed for gain in both camps. But little brother lacked the forsight and patience it took to develope such skills. So he bailed first chance he got. Which caused minimal grieving on the eldest's part.

Price of Personal Worth (Part 2)

I posed a few questions in the previous blog. Now lets look into them further. My theory on our self esteem generation is that we have been empowered to experience deeper identity issues than ever before. What I mean is that our overworked parents are in competition with media and public educational agendas for the molding of their kid's identity...and consequent self worth. Our culture caters to a people who desire to be highly independent individuals, yet completely interconnected instantly...but mostly in virtual space. Our social media craze testifies to our hunger to be heard...understood. Where do we derive our value? Historically from our ability to perform as a attributing part of society. What about in today's economy? We make it to graduation and find no jobs, so we return to school. Caught somewhere in this limbo is our sense of worth. What happened to the days when we got stickers for effort? Who do we look to for examples? Our hard working parents cant afford to retire and their hard-earned tenure isn't immune to budget cuts. Compromise and sacrifice rule the day. Uncertainty haunts the mind. Most of us subsist in a survival mode that takes all our energy just to maintain, leaving very little to edify any one else. So we feel empty. Longing for Someone to fill our cup. In the midst of this, some brave hearts take the risk to pour out what they do have on others. The risk is that the person on whom you are placing value may squander your love and reject you in the end. What does that say about your value? Did you read about the Dad who did just that? He was a hard working rancher who practiced sound business principles and was able to set aside a nice retirement fund for him and his wife, in addition to creating college funds for both of his kids. The Dad loved spending time with his kids and showing them the wonders of ranching. As his sons grew, the youngest showed more interested in the office workings of the ranch then the outside labor. His Dad saw he had a real talent for comprehending "fine print" and accounting...so by the time the youngest was 18, he had been trusted with keeping the family's accounts. One evening the son came into the barn and bluntly demanded to be paid for his work. The Dad blinked a couple of times, then smiled and reminded the boy that everything he had would be divided between his brother and him after he retired. The son said it wasn't good enough. He hated the ranch and didn't want anything to do with...not now and especially not for the rest of his future career! The money he knew was there, and he wanted his share now to do with as he felt was best for him. Over the next couple of weeks, the Dad signed papers, released funds, and paid heavy penalties for liquidating his assets. And with a heavy heart, handed over the dreams and hopes he had for his son's future...along with the incredible sum of cash. Without a word of thanks or "good bye"...the boy left. He was gone. Life wasn't the same for the Father, nor the family. That evening started a ritual that continue for years, walking the fenceline running his trained eyes to the dusky horizon, looking for his son to return. (End of part 2...to hear the conclusion, tune in next week!)

The Price of Personal Worth (Part 1)

So what is your value set at? What determines that worth? Who can change those factors?...

Well, if you're like me, you don't really have an easy answer to those questions. And your answers may change depending on who is asking: your pastor during a group meeting, a potential boss at your interview, your bestfriend on late night phone conversation.
So what comes up when you reach deep down inside and fish around for the most honest answer?...hopefully more than just a handfull of worn inspirational cliches. "Just believe in yourself" "You can be anyone you want to be" "Everyone is special" "Be the best you you can be" "No one take away your dignity" "Follow your heart and you can achieve miracles"

Ok, well most of those sayings are derrived from advertisments or movies with agendas for receiving funding. And it worked. Around the late 80s and 90s popular educational psychology begin to place the blame of poor scholastic achievment and behavioral issues on low self-esteem. So public schools got to be the testing grounds of required programs aimed at increasing childrens self-esteem. And consequently childrens media programs also received the face lift. There are good results, like greater cultural awareness and acceptance, also more opportunites for disabled children to interact in equal environments...and ofcourse, the value of affirmative words as motivators.
But did it accomplish all that was hoped?
...More on that coming up.

The self-esteem era wasn't limited to children. I'm sure you can remember the positive self-talk tapes. Daily pop in the tape and repeat after the soothing confident voice that you are a valueable and unique person who can do anything! (And in the likely case you fell asleep, even better!...because your "subconcious" was the one who needed to hear it the most anyway.) A rash of books broke out pronouncing the "7 highly effective characteristics of ..." just about whatever classification a person can fall into.  And in those lists, self worth was vital to success.
(Find yourself not succeeding, buy our tape!)

So what about the self-esteem generation? Are we now composed of mainly highly effective people who accomplish whatever we set our heart on?
Hmmm...part no, part yes.

What have we set our heart on? What is the price?
And are we really in possession of our value?

(End of part 1...turn over the tape to continue)

Start up

Welcome to my midnight musings! I've now spent all my time fussing between the computer and phone to get this blog set up. Its still not quite the way I want it...but its getting there. (I couldn't get the background picture to upload.) Anyway, the idea is to use my phone's blog app as a blank canvas that I can word paint on before bed...since that's the time my musings are the greatest. I also wanted a blog because FB is too public. ha ha The irony is that although technically anyone can see this, most people are too busy to read blogs. (Though I'm sure more people will view it than I'd think right now).
Well...I need to sleep.
G'nyght